You're Doing It Wrong

Well, operation binge-on-soccer has had another miserable failure of a day.

I didn’t get home last night until after 10pm but I got my butt into the office early so I would have time to take a 2 hour lunch and watch Spain. I watched the first half but Spain was so pitiful I thought maybe I should save my other hour and watch the first half of Cameroon and Croatia. But then I had a big work project and ended up working late. Then there was a traffic jam and I just got home.

My DVR was on the poop this morning so the only game I could tape is Netherlands v. Australia and I already know what happened and now that I’m home and braindead I’m thinking I might just watch Game of Thrones and go to bed early.

I know. I am failing at World Cup. Maybe there’s a half hour highlights show I can watch.

Tomorrow is going to be another big work day but hopefully Friday Saturday and Sunday will be all-out couch-bunny soccer festivals of gladness.

I had grand plans for an epic post I was going to write but I’m on my way to a match in a few minutes so this is quickie update. I also have stories from my California trip. One involves (spoiler alert!) a rollover car accident that started a fire! You’ll have to wait for the details but they are good.

It was a great trip and I had a great time watching matches with my Dad.

In order to avoid being redundant, just assume that I preface every match with remarks about how cute the players are. This applies to all teams. Also, so far, the coach that I most want to take a bath with is the Croatian. (Croat? Is there a website that tells the proper words for describing nationals?)

Game 3 Spain v. Netherlands

Oh my. Is there anything sadder than a humiliated Spain National Team player? Ouch. That opening RVP goal was an instant classic. Arjen Robben’s first goal was amazing, too. Even I was wishing the ref would blow the whistle at the 80th minute.

Missed: Mexico v. Cameroon, Chile v. Australia

Game 8 England v. Italy

You know another thing that’s fun about World Cup is watching really great games where I’m not so invested that I’m biting my nails and suffering heart palpitations for 90 minutes. I loved this game. In the face, Pirlo looks like he needs a nap but the rest of him is a man on fire. And he’s surrounded by baby-faces. I was heartbroken about Gigi Buffon, I love him. But Sirigu is perfectly fine. I thought the official from the Netherlands looked like Sam Neill. Hm. All my notes from the game are commenting on how cute particular players are. I really like this England team. I can’t wait to see them again.

Game 6 Ivory Coast v. Japan (only first half)

We had to be somewhere but I convinced Dad we had enough time for the first half. My sister came downstairs and said, “Hey, these are different teams. Are you watching another game?” Loved what I saw so far. I thought Keisuke Honda’s opening goal was terrific.

Missed: Columbia v. Greece, Uruguay v. Costa Rica

Game 11 Argentina v. Bosnia & Herzegovina

BH scored a totally awful own goal – as opposed to the totally awesome ones. When it says OG next to the stats it makes it seem even worse.

Messi!

I am a bit disappointed in Argentina’s hair. I’m not a fan of the fauxhawk and I’m not seeing any mullets or super swingey hair. So what was up with that bizarre empanada digression from the commentators during the match? I enjoyed this match, too.

Missed Switzerland v. Ecuador, France v. Honduras

I’m off to the match. More updates to come.

I’m trying to get ready for a road trip so sadly you are going to get some very half-assed coverage.

I admit I spend too much time online but allows me to tell you pretty much every site that I regularly read had some form of “Beginner’s Guide to Watching the World Cup” feature. I read none of them. I did bookmark a few items like this post with profiles of the German team. They have a guy on their team who is 6’6″! I can’t wait to find out more about him.

But first let’s talk about Brazil v. Croatia.

Pity the poor team that has to play against the host team in the opening match. The commentators did not even try to hide their bias. They said things like, “Huh, [Croatia’s] cross wasn’t too bad.” Like this team hadn’t played a half a million games to qualify to be there.

And then Croatia opened the scoring and it was like when the aliens blew up the White House in Independence Day. I was not fond of the commentating. At one point he told us that the Croatia, who was down at that point, was probably thinking they wanted to score a goal. What a risky assumption. Where is John Strong? When they released the birds at the beginning of the match the commentator told us that now the Brazilians were behind the team. As if earlier they’d been on the fence. Also I can’t type the word Brazilian without thinking of a hairless crotch. Thanks to the people responsible for that.

But on to the important stuff: How cute were these teams? And Croatia’s coach is gorgeous, too. Cheekbones. I immediately decided that Marcello (Brazil) is my favorite. And then he scored an own goal. My superpower is jinxing soccer. But meanwhile, that hair. So much amazing hair (ironically) on these teams. I’m sorry I don’t have time to put up photos for you but if, like me, you believe that all soccer teams need at least one player on the pitch with amazing hair (on his head), you would have been pleased today.

And there’s a difference between amazing hair and stupid hair. I will try to distinguish in a future installment.

I enjoyed the match. Brazil won but I thought Croatia, despite their terrible checked jerseys, played well and it’s just the first match.

Sadly, I’m probably not going to do better than a match a day until the middle of next week. I’ll be offline for a few days but hopefully will catch up when I return.

You ever run into one of those people who will go out of their way to tell you how they saw Bruce Springsteen back in 1974 in Ashbury Park and how they were onto him before he became famous?

That’s kinda how I feel about me and World Cup.

Anyone remember the olden days when couldn’t even get all the World Cup games and you’d have to tape the re-broadcasts when they were aired in the middle of the night? I do, barely.

Now you can choose from 200 soccer matches a day and there are broadcasts of friendly matches between countries no one has even heard of. Amazing. And I still keep seeing the dialogue about whether soccer is finally going to happen in the U.S. like it isn’t already here. Yes, I realize that it’s not as big as other major sports but it’s doing just fine. There’s been so much World Cup coverage I’m already sick of it.

Just kidding.

Meanwhile, you can catch up on my previous World Cup coverage here. Looking through those old posts, I have learned a lot. Timbers started in Major League Soccer in 2011 so this is my first World Cup since I started following a club although I did have half a season ticket for the Timber’s last season in the lower division.

Here’s a hilariously over-the-top promo for German National Team.

World Cup Coverage 2014 will be spotty at first. I am going to California next weekend to celebrate Father’s Day and (a) no Internet and (b) not sure how much soccer we’re going to get away with at a family gathering. Never fear, I’ll be back.