You're Doing It Wrong

Vanport Max Stop

Today is holiday letter and holiday story day. I already have a story. I tried to write a new one that was about Santa’s reindragon but it didn’t come together so I’m recycling something I wrote a long time ago about Indians and government bureaucracy. I know, I’ve got your attention now. Don’t worry, it’s really short.

I’ll post notice when it’s all done. Meanwhile, if you’ve got nothing to do you can always read back issues.

One of the main gifts I like to give is books. Ideally I like to give books I’ve already read so I know if they’re any good, but I read a lot of books with vampires and zombies and sword fighting. Often my recipients aren’t huge fans of those books so I have to dig around online and look for recommendations. I’ve done okay with indiebound and overbooked.

Last week I was going through a bunch of “best of” lists and every single fiction book was like:

“After an explosion destroys her family … ”
“After her son is diagnosed with spleen cancer mixed a rare face-melting disease … ”
“In a war torn country where there is no food or water or anything to look forward to … ”
“In this deeply disturbing and profoundly sad tale … ”

Wow, how do I choose? I kept crossing them off “too bummer-y.”

I did find some that I think will be good.

Remember Summer?

I very rarely carry an umbrella.

Generally, any the time I’m going to have to be in the rain I’m dashing from one dry place to another. The car to the grocery store. The bus to the office. It’s not worth the trouble for a quick dash to be stuck carrying a dripping wet umbrella around.

And in downtown Portland I usually do have to make longer walks in the rain but there is always a wind effect between the highrises that means I spend time fighting with the umbrella which gets more rain on me than if I just dash between rain drops.

This is the evolution from the California girl who would cancel anything for a gentle mist.

Sleeping Man with iPad

I’ve never been a person who ran around talking about how much I loved the holidays. But I’ve never been a hater, either.

This year I am hating it.

I keep my shopping list very simple. I shop for family. I discourage other gift-giving. I had the great idea of co-worker and I exchanging Timbers swag.

I can’t find anything that I’m looking for. I’ve been on three major shopping expeditions. There is tons of crappy stuff out there that no one wants but nothing good that I want. It’s been making me really cranky.

I’m going to go to the liquor store and get everyone booze.

I saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader last week. As a Narnia geek, I loved it.

In all other categories it fails.

It’s a really lame movie with some super cool parts. If you liked the books I can tell you that Eustace Scrubb is GENIUS. Seriously, worth the price of admission right there.

(Aside: favorite first sentence: “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”)

But the writing is lame. There were parts that were what I do when I need a short cut to get through a scene but plan to go back and fix later.

“Wasn’t it great when we were kings and queens in Narnia?”

“Yes, but now we’re stuck here with our terrible cousin Eustace Scrubb. In drabby England.”

“Yes, while Mum and Dad and Peter and Susan are in Americker.”

I’ve never done 3-D before and for the first few minutes I was afraid I was going to gack-up my nice Xmas lunch. Also that Yogi Bear movie looks like an abomination. And I grew up with Yogi Bear.

Overall: I give it a B-. I’m sure I will dorkishly see it again. And complain about the lame parts.

big public marriage proposals, esp. involving jumbotrons

eating contests

flip-flops except at the beach or pool

yellow mustard

pineapple on pizza

affiliate programs

book trailers

jaywalking

the sequel to Tron

facebook [I don’t disapprove of all of it but am too lazy to articulate the specifics here]

the phrase “across the pond”

aftermarket tinting

* * *

I have to do the photo at the end b/c if I leave it at the top of the post it looks like I don’t approve of a truck filled with meat and that is not true.

Last week we had lunch at Ned Ludd and the meat delivery came while we were there.

At dinner I told Bob I had a good day. I only had two things I didn’t do on my list and since my list usually contains at least five more things than I can actually do in a day, two leftover things wasn’t so bad.

Writing this post is one of those things and at this point, I’m phoning it in.

I’m one of the three people in the universe who did a backflip then passed out with joy when I found out that Psych was doing a Twin Peaks episode.

Twin Peaks is the only show in history that I watched every single episode in its original network airing. Live. I didn’t leave the house if that show was coming on. I’ve been severely fanatical about numerous things in my life so no sense trying to make this into the biggest but my Twin Peaks achievements include: meeting the Log Lady and Lucy and going to a party where Leo was present. (Not in a wheelchair, I noticed.) I have genuine off-the-set memorabilia. It’s the Bob wanted poster and you can tell how much it means to me because I haven’t the slightest idea where it is right now. I own the soundtrack. I read Laura Palmer’s diary. I saw that terrible prequel movie the first weekend it was out. I think I own two copies of the DVDs. One is regular and one is the complete collectors edition. I’ve watched the series start to finish only twice. Maybe I’ll do it again this winter.

Psych is one of my guilty pleasure shows. It’s stupid and hilarious and I love it.

I thought the Twin Peaks episode was dorkily fabulous. Sherilyn Fenn was brilliant. Ten stars.

Bob and I hardly ever watch movies together but on Friday we watched Get Him To The Greek with Jonah Hill, Russell Brand and Elizabeth Moss. It’s pretty good and hilarious but also really weird. There was stuff I was laughing at, like that whole bit where they were petting the furry wall, but I was also thinking, jeez, this is weird. The Lars Ulrich cameo is the best: “Enter Sandman.”

I had a whole bunch of other things I was going to write about but I’m too tired.

I finished a short story today. The first new thing I’ve finished since the beginning of time which was is fantastic but also melted my brain. I’m going to watch a show and then go to bed.

I heard a news report that said that pot legalization in CA failed because young people didn’t get out and vote. I don’t think that reporter really understands the economics involved.

A couple weeks ago I ran across this list of cliched dialogue. The funny part is whatever I was looking for had nothing to do with writing.

I would argue that a lot of the list is plain old cliched talking. Not just on screen but any time people think they’re being clever.

I have three to add that aren’t on the list.

In any crime show you ever see there’s always a big scene in a room filled with cops where the lead detective explains all the horrors the criminal has committed and is capable of. The scene always ends with:

Let’s get this guy

Another one I heard in a show I was watching last night:

What happens next?
We wait.

This one I thought about for awhile. I think I see it on TV so often it feels like a perfectly normal thing to say. Except I don’t think you would ever actually say it. It’s when one character presents another character with a wrapped present:

What is it?
Open it.

Have you ever had this happen: you wake up one morning and some random thing that happened a long time ago that made you furious has suddenly, for no reason, been reanimated in your head and you’re just as mad now as you were when it happened?

I don’t get why this is happening right now.

It happened to me once before and I thought maybe the issue needed further resolution so I approached the person who was the subject of this ancient fury. Let me tell you: that was a terrible idea. Do not try that at home.

My logical mind thinks it’s ridiculous to get so worked up about this old stupid thing but my emotional mind is all fired up. Believe me, I know this is unhealthy. I have little doubt that one of these episodes is what’s going to kill me. Hopefully when I’m in my 80’s and asleep.

We still get a paper delivered and this morning the delivery people left their holiday greeting. You know the one that really serves the purpose of letting you know where to send a tip if you want. It’s a really cute photocopied note letting us know how much they love delivering our paper and wishing us happy holidays. Then there’s handwritten scrawl with an arrow pointing to their address that says: Send Check.

I think it’s funny. I always say: ask for what you want.

I have a quiet week ahead. It would be smart to get hopping on holiday stuff. But I’m probably not going to be smart and put it off until later so I can get all stressed out about it.