Don’t Fear the Colonoscopy

Ski jump in Garmisch-Partenkirchen

Well that wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. But I was expecting it to be a horrendous nightmare so your results may vary.

I was advised that the prep would be a lot easier if I ate lightly the days before the procedure. I started cutting way back on Monday and mostly ate canned fruit and vegetables and rice. Except when I got a hamburger for lunch on Tuesday because I wanted to be one of those people who says. “No lettuce or tomatoes. None of that vegetable stuff.”

By Thursday morning I was all shaky and insane-feeling from not eating but since I took the day off, I had the brilliant idea that we should run a few errands before I had to start my thing. I followed Bob around stores half-weeping asking why it was taking so long. When it’s your turn just stay home and watch movies.

For my prep I had to start with 4 little pills and they made me feel queasy.

Bob came upstairs and asked how I was doing.

Me: Go away.

Bob: (laughs in a sympathetic “I’ve been there” way)

Me: Stop laughing at me. When you had to do this did I go downstairs and laugh at you?

Bob: I’m not laughing at you.

Me: You’re looking at me and you’re laughing so it feels like you’re laughing at me.

Bob: (backing slowly from the room) There’s nothing I can say right, is there?

Me: No!

After an hour I had to drink a half gallon of Gatorade with a 14 day supply of laxatives in it. I’m not exaggerating for the purpose of story-telling. This is really the recipe. Oh, and you have to drink it in 2 hours.

This part caused me a lot of anxiety because I didn’t think it was possible for me to drink that much of anything in 2 hours.

Because I have a doctorate in Following The Instructions I sat at the kitchen table with a stack of magazines, a timer and a measuring cup and every 15 minutes I poured my 8 oz and sipped it through a straw. Since I hadn’t eaten in so long, it tasted great and made me feel sane again.

It did the trick and a few hours later it was mostly finished and felt fine so I cleaned the house.

The procedure was this morning. The doctor told me I could be out cold if I wanted but they prefer to do conscious sedation. I was awake during the procedure and could watch on this monitor by the bed. I thought it would be fun if there was an alien in there and first we’d see the claws and then the teeth and beady eyes. But no luck. My colon is completely healthy and I don’t have to go back for 10 years.

I ate toast and soup when I got home and watched TV and took a nap. Other than being a little sleepy, I feel like normal. As soon as I post this I’m going to finish the taxes.

And one more thing: since all that my souvenir cough is gone.